Time to get real

I am not sure why I have decided to do this.
But I believe its time...

Years ago, 37 years ago, give or take , my mom died of cancer.
But the pain and trauma and the scars that would change my life began before that day.

I can remember my mom telling me she was sick and going to die. I remember THAT very clearly. I can see where we were sitting, everything about that moment was so very clear to me. Its like its burned into my memory.

Also, I find it so strange that so many things about that time, and even years after, seem to be lost in my mind somewhere.

TRAUMA does much damage to our mind and emotions.

You would think that I would visit my mom often.

That I would go and want her to meet my kids and talk to her about whats going on in my life since I really didn't have anyone to do that with. My dad was absent...not always physically absent...but emotionally 100%.

When I was an adult, I married and we were away for over 20 years. When we DID come home, I rarely went to see her grave . I really have no idea why. And now, we have been back to the area almost 10 years  and I can count on ONE hand , yes ONE, how many times I've visited her.

I also notice when it comes to death, I am very numb to things.

That's why I believe its time.

Time to heal this damage done to my heart and soul.

Time to apologize to my mom for not visiting and talking with her.

Time to apologize to my kids for not telling them more about their grandmother. ( I don't remember much so its hard to talk about her)

Time to apologize to my dear friends who never knew her and I failed to keep her memory alive.

Its time to visit her regularly and start the healing process.....